the wings are white

ever been told to sleep but you know you wont be able to sleep? my neck is terribly sore today.

the other day at work, a freak walked into the store. he was preaching to the napkin rack and the glass coasters. as soon as he walked out, i gave my coworker a hug.

im also looking for a new job, NOT RETAIL! i think my retail days are over. insha allah.

these past few weeks have been strangely odd. i feel as if i have no control of anything. i wake up, and either go to school or work. do i ever do whatever my mind desires? no, defiantly not. i sit down to watch some tv, i pick up the remote and have no idea how to use it. seriously. i only know the volume button and the power button for the tv. sometimes i get confused with the tv power and the receiver power, results to me just walking away without watching anything.

i looked at the flowers yesterday in the front yard. i really like the yellow daffodils. i never liked tulips actually. carnations are wicked flowers too.

sometimes flowers scare me. infact, ive been haunted by a flower plant that used to live with us. for more details PM me, its a complicated story.

its been a good weekend. My sister and her husband gave us a surprise visit. We were limited in the amount of time to spend time with each other, but it was a good visit alhumdulliah

a new blog layout/design is in the works. i dont know when i'll release it. but keep your eyes peeled and do check back often.

my bedroom door is open and this bothers me.

-taibah out

sad worlds?

her: how old r u
me: 19
her: haha
me: if only i could tamper my birth certificate
her: …if only you could tamper time
me: indeed
me: wow
me: could you imagine
me: the world
her: it’d be friggin messed up b/c of you
me: yeah no kidding
me: what would i do….
her: i’d go back to the time when muslims were strong and united, and make sure it'd stay that way
me: that’s a good idea actually
me: i have no idea what i would …perhaps just switch the years on my birth certificate
her: simple is always best
me: yeah true
me: ever watched that movie
me: the butterfly effect?
her: ya. i love it
me: what are you talking about?
me: it was sooooooooo disturbing
her: which is why it was good!
me: eww you have a sick mind
me: jk
me: lol
her: no. its true. i think i’d be a psychopath if i wasn’t muslim
me: LMAO
me: i still love you
her: haha. that’s good to know

-taibah out

you're changing your heart

I didnt wear a black hijab to the event on thursday evening. Yes, my mother was rather shocked, not only cause of that, but cause i was wearing a skirt aswell. She's used to seeing me in my dark jeans from Bluenotes or The Gap, or my funky zip ups or neck-scarves from Bootlegger or Buffalo Shop.

I stepped out of my room that late afternoon, light brown blazer from Bootlegger, Embrodried shirt from Suzy Shier, and dark skirt from Aqua. My hijab was from Toronto. A printed brownish tan wrap around with breezy tassels. My black headband under the hijab was on too tight as my ears slightly hurt. I also stabbed myself on the top part of my left ear while pinning my hijab down. As im packing my purse with the nessasary items one usually has in their handbags, i pause to admire my nails.

They are smexy.

They're called Carribean Frost. Took me nearly an hour to do them the night before. I love the greenish blue color and the satin feel it gives. Theres no need to do a finishing coat of clear on them, as my nails simply have that natural look. Im rather satisfied with the shape of my hands and my nails. I inherit this amazing feature from my mother. Slender shaped fingers arent too common in the world, thankfully i have a decent shaped pinky unlike the rest of my siblings.

I zip up my purse and head out of the house. Careful to not step on the ends of my skirt, I take pride in the fact I know how to walk in heels. Working in a mall environment gives me the opportunity in watching little blondes trying to casually walk in the oh-too-tall heels. My shoes are from The Bay, and i loved them soo much i bought them in 2 colors. Both brown and black. My mother and I are both 7 1/2 in our shoe sizes. Its great, cause shes also crazy about shoes too. We both adore the Mary-Jane styles.

I arrive at the masjid side entrance. Only to notice its locked and im late for the program by roughly 15mins. I simply pull out my phone and call one friend to get her to open the door. Yet she doesnt answer. I called 6 people. None answered.

I walk to the main entrance of the masjid, and yes, the door is locked. Surprisingly, i was not frustrated. Instead, I laughed. I pull out my phone and call my brother. He agrees to opening the side entrance doors for me.

As i enter the main hall i enjoy the clickity sounds of my heels. I realize im not wearing the kuffiya my mother placed on my dresser. I notice im interrupting a calm event, and that i should grab a seat quickly. My first thoughts are 'NEVER WILL I PUT THIS MUCH EFFORT IN MY OUTFIT....unless its needed for a certain purpose. Took so long, gracias.

I grab a seat next to people i dont know. I dont mind, im in the House of Allah and therefore everyone can be my friend there, cause we treat everyone with mutual respect when we're there.

I listen to the speakers and the poems. I hear the sadness in their words. I see their emotions of pain in their voices. I understand their perceptions and views. My mind draws it in, one word at a time, one expression at a time. I look around me, and everyone is wearing the Khuffiya scarf...almost everyone. I did not wear one. The images on the walls describe suffering and pain.

You can call me heartless if you wish. But to be honest, i felt emotionless sitting there. My mind wanders, spinning at the quiet environment im in. "My mother died" makes me snap back into reality. I listen to the woman speak, she gives us a glimpse of her past, of her suffering, and her strong ability to tolerate. I admire her for this.

We begin our moment of silence. However, im not thinking of Palestine. Im not thinking of the suffering in the camps there. Im not thinking of the checkpoints and strong issues agaisnt the people of Palestine. I think of the Muslim Ummah and the lifestyle I live. I think of my own backyard, Canada.

Darfur? Kashmir? Afghanistan?
Simply because they arent part of arab nations, does that single them out of not having a moment of silence for them? They too are people who are suffering. They too are people who have pain. They too are people that live in camps. They too are people living in areas of civil unrest. Perhaps they were thrown out of their houses? Perhaps they were bombed too?

I think of the country I live in. Canada. Alhumdulliah, I live in peace, I walk around outside alone and no one asks me for ID to cross the streets. I get on and off buses without any fear. I work for my money and spend as I please. Being a female doesnt limit me in this country as it will in other countries. I practise my religion with pride and without fear. I live in a house, surrounded by people who mean everything to me. I can visit a doctor and the dentist within minutes. I can buy my food fresh. I wear hijab, to work, school and around to public places, taking it in with pride my identity as a Canadian Muslim. Yes, I do encounter ignorant people at times, but Alhumdulliah, nothing serious.

The point im trying to make is, yes, like many people, i live a good lifestyle alhumdulliah. and im rather satisfied with that. this puts me in a position to help thoes who are suffering and are less fortunate. My biggest thing is that, you dont have to ONLY help people who are ONLY Muslim or ONLY Arab. Arent we all human? Perhaps before jumping across the ocean to the desert regions of arabia, lets work on issues we face here, at home, in Canada. If you cant do that, then rather than focusing on one particular group, say Palestine for instance, let try grouping them together. Lets have a moment of silence for all the suffering people together. Lets all give the other places just as much importance we give to Palestine. Lets all work together, united, be muslim or non-muslim, we can fight for the rights of innocent people who dont know we're supporting them. Lets all raise awareness of places of people who live in pain and suffering. A non-arab has no superiority over a an arab, and an arab has no superiority over a non-arab. We dont do this for the sake of fame or something to brag about. Just dont limit yourself to Palestine.

do i hear a takbeer and allahu akbar?

-taibah out

ps. if you dont agree, thats ok. i still love you all.

be cheerful, strive to be happy

sometimes i need a hug. usually when people around i hug my laptop screen or i go see Ernie.

Back in the winter of 1991, Ernie was given to me as my gift from Dad's work Christmas Party. At first, i hated Ernie. I was rather disappointed actually. My sister had gotten a jewelery box or something cooler than a Sesame Street character.

But as days went by, i began to develop a deep friendship with Ernie. Everywhere i went, Ernie went. I still have several pictures of me clutching him in my small hands, or Ernie poking at the table of my sister's 5th birthday party. I gave him haircuts too. Ernie and I had a great bond during my early years with him.

In winter of 1992, I embarked a journey along with my entire family. We went to Pakistan for 9 months. Ernie was with me the entire plane ride (along with my Barbie doll, Ariel from The Little Mermaid). After the long 9 months, it was time to head back home. Alhumdulliah, we made it safe...little did i know, my precious Ernie would spend the next 14 years in Pakistan without me.

:(

During May 2006, half of my family went on a 2 month visit to Pakistan. I stayed back mainly due to me being in grade 12 and the fact it was my graduating year. While the family took off to Pakistan, several relatives were coming back from their visits to Pakistan. While welcoming them back home, i stuck around to checkout some pictures they had taken from their visit.

I usually over analyze images to find finer details in them. For some odd reason, its just a habit. As im viewing the images, my uncle passes me a CD, explaining to me he's put together some pictures we'd find interesting to look at from his trip. I head home and the next day i checkout the mystery CD.

It starts off with images of his children, my cousins. Running around in the green fields of rural areas of Pakistan. Historical sites and important regions. The riverfront lots and busy streets of the marketplaces in both villages and city center zones. Then the pictures of cousins and relatives and of people i didnt know existed, yet were still related. As im laughing away to a picture of my favorite little cousin playing in a room which brought back memories from 14 years ago to my mind, my eyes began to wander...

Ernie. there he was. upside down below the straw matted day bed. My jaw drops in utter shock and disbelief. Im at a loss of words completely. I cant help but to shed some silent tears, and i cant take my eyes off the image.

As those 2 months passed, my family returned from Pakistan. For me, they bring me back someone special. His name is Ernie.

*photo taken May 13th, 2008

-taibah out

5am sleeplessness

-taibah out

the sky is grey

dont let yesterday take too much of today- Will Rogers

my head doesnt hurt today. i woke up and my left hand was soooooo numb it hurt. i dont know how that happened. but it was rather amusing trying to use my left hand.

i think im craving something but i dont quite know what...

-taibah out

last night's post

Anger is just a cowardly extension of sadness. It’s a lot easier to be angry at someone than it is to tell them you’ve been hurt. –Tom Gates

I normally hate Friday, because there is too much happening at once on that day. But now, I’ve began to hate Sundays. I guess you could say I hate weekends?

I feel over exhausted and tired on sunday afternoons. which is why im resulted to taken a nap around 3pm till 9pm and it feels great. its very refreashing and mind clearing it helps me to calm down.

people think im paranoid, that im a drama queen, that im over dramatic, that im over sensitive, that i take things too personally.

if more than one person tells you that in the time span of 3 hours, i think id have to agree with them.

i normally dont hate people for no reason. i give people the chance to ruin themselves yet i never provoke them to. i know people who are too good for words for themselves people who seem to be right about everything for no reason.

...this post doesn't seem to make any sense, its cause my thoughts are jumping inside my mind. theres too much happening, the world spins to fast, i have a migrane and im crying but i dont enjoy this cry. as each tear falls its pain and anger. its hot tears. i hate migranes, i hate certain people. i hate how people think im some sweet little thing they can just toss around. i hate how people think they can verbally abuse me, i hate how people dont listen to me. i hate being neglected. am i yearning that feeling of being wanted? perhaps..

i tolerate alot of bullshit in my life. esp these past years. its been a rough hike and im exhausted. but shit happens to everyone, not just me. i cant take any more steps cause my heart hasnt recovered from being stepped on and torn. the only things holding it together are the fragments of memories of me actually laughing, or me actually smiling.

why do i sound so sad?

i hold grudges but cant change that fact about myself. sometimes people deserve it. i find that whenever i talk to someone about how i deeply feel or try to make them understand they simply jump to conclusions. telling me that im the one whos wrong. its like...im the one with the screwed up views. or that i cant ever be the one whos right.

im sooo sick of tolerating people and their irrationalness of the human they've become.

i tried soo hard to see the good in people, try to shed light on thoes who've had a questionable past. it was a waste of time.

ive become a bitter person over the past few months, i dont find it to be healthy and no matter how hard i try to please certain people, try my best to create a happier me

i cant even write how i feel. as soon as one thought enters, another one comes 10x's as fast and thus the cycle continues.

i dont care who reads this and why. this is my blog. my ownership on the net.you got a problem with i have to say, then simply leave. i need to rest but i cant. my eyes are a deep red now and my head is pounding. the tissue box is full. i cant stop.

when i explain myself to others, they get the wrong message. my thoughts are a jumbled and sometimes only half the story comes out. this leaves the listener puzzled. and sometimes they'd give the wrong advice.

damnit, why am i still here???
my body wants to rest but my mind isnt letting it.
another caffiene high? no, god no.

am i upset? hell ya!

-taibah out