challluu

i turned my bedroom into a sauna lastnight.
turned up the heater on High and MAX heat and kept the bedroom door shut for several hours.
i walked out of my room with my capris and a tshirt, and nearly froze trying to grab a towel from the hall closet.

haha
anyways,
so taibah? howz life?
umm, it sucks. as usual. but guess what, they're called Temporary Fitnahs, so its just a matter of patience and remembering Allah during these times.

i had sushi on monday night. it was gross. im never gonna try it again. the waitress mixed up my tray with my sisters. i ate 2 rolls of tuna. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. i ordered the Tempura Yam rolls, they were edible. I find that sushi doesnt have much taste.

campus life is pretty scary, esp these days. its troubling trying to find the right people to call "friends".

i find im starting to lose my patience level more and more frequently. I dont know how that happens, but i get mad much quicker and im a 'Little Miss Grumpy Pants' for weeks at a time. Perhaps its just stress?
back in highschool health class, they gave us a session on Stress and dealing with it. Step 1: Find the root of your stress. Problem is, i cant find the root..

ok i lied.
i do know the root, but i guess im the only one responsible/capable of changing it to something better. im pretty lazy these days, i need to grasp moments as they come. NO ONE IS WAITING FOR ME!!! its only me that decides what i want in my life, its only upto a certain point that i rely on my parents to make decisions for me right?

im freakin 2o years old.
and its time to stop dreaming.
reality hits me in the face daily, right now, yesterday, last year, last decade. always.

holy crap, this year has just been sooooo freakin insane :(
-taibah out

boys have cooties

hahaaha,
i love my family.
:D

-taibah out

ps. ill write a long blog post tomorrow, the past few weeks were sooo hectic and insanely tiring. And these next few weeks will be too.

espresso deprived.

-taibah out

everythings waiting for you

its 5:11am rite now.
its sleepytime, but someone isnt feeling sleepy.

-taibah out

keeps gettin' better eh?

its pretty late at night rite now, and im starting to question why i dont let myself enjoy the sweet hours of sleep that i keep ignoring? what exactly am i staying awake for? absolutely nothing. im having odd cravings, and its driving me crazy cuz i cant feed these cravings away. its nothing dramatic, its just pretzels and bagels. gotta pick some up next time im in safeway.

this week is gonna be VERY productive insha allah. i get kinda sleepy thinking about it, but what other choices do i have? im still kinda iffy about my health rite now, i still go through lots of physical pain, but ive tolerated alot of it so far. insha allah, everything should be ok. right? insha allah. i dont wanna be another pin cushion at the doctors :(

in between papers and readings for school, im trying REALLY hard to squeeze time in for my friends, but i think its failing miserably. oh wells, i guess campus life does that to people at some point. ive let go on some people, at the time i felt terrible, but now that i look back, ill smile cuz it was one of the best decisions ive ever made in my life.
im not a bad friend, ive just learned to see whats more healthy for me and my poor poor soul.

another new thing on my mind, being an emo! lol no i dont slit my wrists, but im LOVING the haircut :P

-taibah out

route numba'75

-taibah out

A baby is born

Raessa Zenab Alexander
November 8, 2008

Welcome to the world my beautiful niece, ive waited a long time to see you, and hear you. And ill be waiting to hold you.
Keep smiling, I love you.

-taibah out

im riding a bus at night. mama?

i dont call my mother mama, i call her mom.
and i do ride buses at night, but rarely. and it depends where and why.

the other night i stayed later than usual on campus, i was working on my paper about Oral-B, the toothbrush company. When i finally finished it it was 5:30ish. The bus i wanted comes at 5:48. I rushed to pack up my papers and laptop, by the time i walked out of UC the time was 5:43.

It was dark outside, and this surprised me. I didnt have a jacket, just another one of my funky sweater zip-ups. i pulled the hood over my head and popped my hands into my pockets. Walking towards the bus stop was....beautiful.

Picture this, its rainy, you've got a backpack on, you've got no jacket, you're walking along a neatly paved walkway. alone. surrounded by trees, the only noise you hear in between the wind is the passing of some cars and buses. I stood outside the bus shelter, despite the fact my fingers were frozen. I stared at the tree behind me.

I cried. but it was a good cry.
Subhanallah moments.
gotta love'em

-taibah out

paranoidddd?

just dance.

i LOVE my emo hair :D

-taibah out

oh. wow.

"do you realize how many great things we've witnessed in our lifetime?"

she nodded back at me.

-taibah out

*crack*

teardrops of toxic champagne?

i smell a haircut...

:D

-taibah out

ps. i LOVE making no sense when i write hehehe

sleepless nights again? i wonder why....

the msn was off, facebook was on 'log out' and i dragged my books and laptop to the dining table. the red roses from my birthday sit peacefully in a vase on the dining table. next to that sits a candle stand holding 3 blue candles. they smell like soap. the right pocket of my sweater holds my cellphone and its on Silent. i keep glancing back at it to check if he would finally respond back to my text. Ive learned he rarely responds.

hours passed as im busily typing, reading and thinking. my green highliter isnt as juicy as it once was, this bothers me. I decided to take a quick break, i walk into the kitchen and pull open the fridge. i glance around, and finally pull out this new juice the rest of my family is hooked on. FiveAlive Pomegranate Citrus. I pour a nice tall glass of the maroon-ish colored drink and grab some crackers and cheese.

While sipping my juice and munching away at my crackers, i began planning my outfit for tomorrow. what socks? what shoes? i still need to find my white belt. What do i layer the red shirt with? which hijab?

soon my fingers are back to my laptop keyboard. ive jumped into google and then type 'hijabi' into the search engine. For the next 2 hours ive abandoned my books and research topic. As im surfing through different websites, ive somehow gotten into several blogs of "former muslims".

the de-conversion stories are mind blowing, shocking, offensive and rather disturbing, in the sense as to how people like the ones ive read about actually exist and take pride in becoming atheists.

I began reading the de-conversion story of one girl. Hers i found to be the most puzzling. I couldnt find a base, and i couldnt figure out where the major "turn-off" was that she had run into that had made her decide to leave Islam. It was chilling and quite sad.

He texts me "get some sleep. atheists were always *ucked in the head. you know it"
i dont respond.

-taibah out

infidel to die for...

innocent until proven guilty right?
WRONG!
im guilty. no questions asked. im a girl too, so i don't have a voice either. apparently.

its like that saying "if he lite the match sooner, he wouldn't have died"

but then again, this isn't the first time ive been accused of something that i wasnt responsible for.

heres a message for you:
Keep stabbing me. Lets see how long i last.

"you and your honest face"

-taibah out