when we pretend we're dead.

i cant handle this anymore. im barely alive anymore.
thanks to all of you.

i dont want to exist anymore.
im hurting too many people now.

-taibah out

ive been bruised too now.

and so, i didnt cry.
infront of you.
but what happens tonight, is another story.

i forgot to ask the most important question. WHY?
i need not go in further details about that...

when you walked away, i wasnt satisfied. cuz i didnt hear the answers i was looking for. but perhaps, maybe, those answers never existed in the first place.

ive let my mind to be taken over. and yes, mistakes.
and i think perhaps some of the things i say might have hurt you.

i feel as thought you haven't quite discovered yourself. that you're holding a wall infront of you. not that im saying you ARE a wall, or its like im talking to a wall. you just choose to hold up a wall infront of you. that wall of fear i think. fear of being taken badly in someone elses eyes.

i used to say this for myself. but now il say it for you too: risk the damn emotions.
not for my sake. YOUR sake.

i wont ever forget you, no matter which ways our paths are going.
remember that.

-taibah out

Like a game of chess

like a game of chess,
you were suppose to follow the rules.

like MY game of chess,
ive dared you to move.

like OUR game of chess,
you sit back, quiet, focused.

like YOUR game of chess,
you KNEW what you were doing.

like YOUR game of chess,
you KNEW what you were after and what you wanted.

like YOUR game of chess,
you feel no pity for your opponent.

like OUR game of chess,
you played with me.

like a game of chess,
only 1 person wins.

like THIS game of chess,
the winner will be me.

-taibah out.

almost there

Not knowing how to think

I scream aloud, begin to sink

My legs and arms are broken down

With envy for the solid ground

I'm reaching for the life within me

How can one man stop this ending

I thought of just your face

Relaxed, and floated into space

*sigh*

:(

-taibah out

let the sunshine in

Seeing a smile on your face was so distant to me. Almost unknown, as if I was meeting you for the first time.

Im still learning how to blink back tears.

My thoughts were such a blur when I sat down.

I just wasn’t ready to do it yet. I hadn’t lined it all up yet.

To say whatever I wanted to, to tell you what the past few nights and days have been like.

Had it never happened, I would’ve been living back in my fantasy world.

Im kinda glad confrontations like that happen. But it’s only productive if you’re actually confident and know what to say. Doesn’t work when one person is a walking nervous wreak. You honestly caught me off guard. I debated for minutes with the text message.

I saw you looking for shooting stars, sitting in that sleazy bar. Things aren’t ever just what they seem. I know that something inside us is dying.

As usual, you played well. Impossible to read. What did you see that was written across my face? Those weren’t awkward silences, they were painful ones. We’re speechless, stunned and scared. Perhaps angered, maybe at one point felt sadness? Quickly, that sadness was turned into anger, and hatred. But not at you, at myself. It was always hard to ever be upset with you. You were much too perfect to criticise. I thought so anyways.

Maybe none of this matters to you…

But it isn’t over yet. Today was just the start of it…my waiting is over. I had been holding for so long. I was waiting way too long. Just waiting alone. Waiting for much too long.

For THIS I was waiting much too long. The waiting is done.

-taibah out

tonight, i am emo

speechless.
you leave me speechless.
and with a migrane.

im not gonna run after you, cuz i never did in the first place. i kept my distance, out of fear something would become of it. thankfully, nothing did.

you used to bring a smile to my face, you used to know what to say at the right time. sharing laughs at the right places. seeing you on a thursday would keep me smiling till sunday.

and i held on to those words.
your words.
they cleared my mind.
you wouldnt give it a second thought, but they kept me going for weeks at a time. playing over and over, again and again inside my head. i considered you more than just a friend. but sadly, you did not.

now its all in my head, and i think about it over and over again
you have no idea how much of an impact you were on me. and my life.
and im just really sad how much you've crushed me like this.

thanks for dying on me.
-taibah out

different nights

critical thinking, is what i like to call it. light comes during different nights. sometimes it takes a while to realize whats coming at you. something the obvious isnt easy to pick out. sometimes it takes more energy and strength to get through times of distress, anger, and frustration.

we always want to point the blame to someone else. at work, school, in the family, with your friends. its very hard to find the right people to trust sometimes. but one can go insane if you close yourself up too much.

Risk.

risk the damn emotions.

the ones that set you up, the ones that really push you to the edge of your limits. sometimes you might jump over that fine, thin line.

im just sick of it. so bloody sick of it.
sick and tired. angered and annoyed. tense and closed.
i too have stories.

-taibah out

stiff cuz i slept in my jeans

and now im thinking to myself,
dont know what i was doing there.
and now im saying to myself,
im glad i got out of there

yeahh riteeeeeeeeeeeee

:(

-taibah out

eyebrows

the first thing i notice when im talking to another girl is her eyebrows.
eyebrows are a pain to deal with.

for the past few months ive been getting my eyebrows waxed professionally. It hurts for abit, but its a 'beauty pain', which basically means i cant complain about it. It honestly saves time and effort if I were to do them on my own. Id rather pay $12 to sit in a spa and get them done within 10mins, than have to stand infront of a mirror and shape them up myself, which can take upto 30mins. You're suppose to get your eyebrows waxed once every 3 weeks. I normally dont ask them to be shaped, i just get them 'cleaned' up to look neat and tidy. I think arches would like kinda wierd of me anyways.

my last appointment at the spa (about a month ago), wasnt that great. I guess I kept distracting her, cuz i wouldnt shut up about talking about my niece with her. The end result, only one of my eyebrows looked decent. She pulled out the wrong hairs in the other one :( but alhumdulliah, the hair are growing back. but i still need to wait another week or so before i can do anything to it.

but im stuck in a terrible dilema.

today, i fixed up one of my eyebrows, the other one (that was tortured by the lady at the spa) still looks TERRIBLE. i gotta be patient and wait 1 more week until im fully satisfied.

the joys of being a girl! haha

-taibah out

im a bitter bitch

recent events in my life have brought me to feel like this.
i dont blame anyone, except the people around me.

sometimes you just need a break from everyone around you.

i hate sounding selfish, and hating on others and being really stubborn, but it happens to me sometimes. but i guess that happens to alot of other people too. its human nature to get frustrated over certain things sometimes. maybe i just panic really easily. or maybe i get excited too quickly.

i need some water...
-taibah out

investments indeed

and whatever happened to learning how to think on your own? i hate people that run after others.

i like my friends,
but i wouldnt glue myself to their lives.

sometimes i come home from work or school and just want to lie down on my bed and shut off my laptop and leave my phone on silent and under my pillow. i keep the door shut and block out all noise and distractions. then you just curl up into a ball on your bed and mumble to yourself 'damn today was such a crappy day' or 'i need sleep'..... its called 'ME TIME'.

i love getting ME TIME.

-taibah out

greenish gold eyeshadows

wow, happy 2009! and its my 1 year anniversary on my blog!!!!!
its truly amazing how i still have this blog alive and healthy lol
in all honesty and truth, its been a great friend. it never told me im right or wrong, it never told me to shut up or stop ranting so they could 'cut the call short' or 'gotta use the washroom' or 'my dad's calling me' or 'i gotta sleep early tonight cuz i got work tomorrow'....

whoever you are out there, that reads this blog, thank you.
i enjoy it when no one comments.
Silent Screams are indeed just that. Me and my silent screams. If you listen carefully you just MIGHT hear me. You'll feel it, reading the emotions through the words ive written on this blog. You'll sense it too. Words are so powerful SubhanAllah.

Keep reading....



-taibah out