broken nails

and as if i don't have enough of my own issues to deal with.
seriously, get real. if you cant handle a simple "how are you" then you, my dear friend, have issues. leave. this country.
idiots. and i feel no pity.
sue me.

i think i have some strange sleeping issues...

-taibah out

Back to Blogging

And welcome back taibah :)
woowwww, crazyy busy ass summer. worked full time, traveled, relaxed, got broke :)

it feels good to be back to blogging, lots to talk about, shall write back soon iA

-taibah out

when you're asleep

i have to be at work for 8am. its just after 7:15 rite now, and my tummy hurts :(

yesterday was my day off, however i work today and tomorrow and the day after that im heading to CALGARY for 12 days, insha allah.

i came home last night around 10pm. only to see my bike from about 10 years ago sitting outside at the edge of the house with a sign on it, as i walked closer to it i see "For Free" written on it. it made me kinda sad.

-taibah out

my windoww

everything in order in a black hole
nothing seems as pretty as the past though..

im waiting for a Monday to kick into full gear.
ahhhhh life is sooo tiring!!!

-taibah out

a day well wasted

"something to blog about", he says it with a laugh.
since when was blogging a bad thing?

-taibah out

Written by Bee

One by one you intrigue me.

You take a hold of me.

You have me trapped.

Not a soul to soul confrontation.

But a soul to soul manipulation.

You got me trapped not in a rebuttal

against wrong and approve of right

but a misunderstood precision.

I learned what love means,

not by being loved by you,

but understanding where you have guided me.

I learned how to see you

and yet you learned how to fool me.

I encouraged right you discouraged it pretty tight.

Your stares and smiles meant allot to me,

but for you it’s like exercise.

Opening them wide eyes, stretching them nice lips,

it all remains a mystery.

No doubt about your kindness, modesty, and wisdom,

but I’m talking truth to the unrelieved.

I gave trust to you, you dragged trust right out.

Layers and layers of unexplainable situations,

deep under tissues with covered skin.

I guess again time will change all that has begun.

I promised a promise that I will understand

why I have such strong feelings

for someone who hasn’t put that much into my system.

I promised a promise that you will always

remain something dear in my heart.

Even if I will never be you’re one.

I’m one on my own.

And one of many that are trapped in your circles

that are in one of small vessels.

A blood cell in your brain.

written by Bee

-taibah out

lets play a love game.

and im asking the same question again and again.

WHY?

it burns everytime. it burned the most tonight

-taibah out

bahahahahahahaaaa!!!

Taibah aka T-BANG! aka Ñïkki aka Pixie aka Khala says:
ohh and raeesa got her eyes peirced!!!
did i show you their new family pic?
Yasmeen says:
her EYES?!!!!
WHAT
you mean ears???
Taibah aka T-BANG! aka Ñïkki aka Pixie aka Khala says:
EARS
yess ears
Yasmeen says:
holy shit
i was like WHAAAAATTTT?!
Taibah aka T-BANG! aka Ñïkki aka Pixie aka Khala says:
LOL
Yasmeen says:
i thought you meant she got her eyebrow pierced
and i was like.....
Taibah aka T-BANG! aka Ñïkki aka Pixie aka Khala says:
HAHAHAHA omgg my poor baby niece

-taibah out

i cant crack my fingers

last night was good times.

despite being in a terrible mood yesterday, it ended quite nicely
isha prayer at the masjid
slurpees at midnight
bon fire with marshmallows ends just around 1:30am.

-taibah out

watch your step kid

its only a dream

just a dream

it wont happen

covered in blood, a bird pecks me to death. 

terrifed. i awake.

where are the heavy scars on my arms? where are they? they were JUST there a moment ago...right?

just a dream

im sorry i walked infront of the bird.

blood and scars.

why is my leg throbbing with pain?

just a dream

ONLY a dream

it wont happen taibah.

...just a dream

*shudders*

-taibah out

ps. this was in my head ALL DAY LONG...

amazing what they do

my friend tells me she finds my dad inspiring, it doesnt come to me as a shock. 

i just nod.

in other news, so much to do, so little time.

todo list:

-call ortho

-call mastercard

-cleanup room

-do laundry

-buy noodles

-pick up book at chapters

-INVEST INVEST INVEST (insha allah!)

-....

more to come, this list is like neverending

-taibah out

keep'em open

-taibah out

1501

whenever i wake up
try and take the shape up
turn it to the whole wide world ive made up

taaa ting ting
ting
ting
ta

today was fun at work. i woke up late and only had 30mins to get ready for work, so i called up my supervisor and told her id be coming in late but can stay later to make up for the missed time. shes like, "taibah? didnt i JUST say hi to you in the hallway?", im like...umm, no. im not even there, im still at home"...shes like.."omg who did i just say hi to then??"....

when i got to work, it was corporate visit today. i had to look extra nice and so did everyone else. i wore my nametag today for the first time at work. the guy ahead of me at the entrance forgot his swipe card, so he looked at me to take out mine. it took about a minute to fish through it in my purse, i almost dropped my lunch.

uh oh, i left my lunch container in the fridge at work.
oh wells.

-taibah out

Busy Beeeeee

...thats me!

k, so heres my to-do list for the next little while:

-call my dentist, rebook appointment to next thursday
-call magic room, book appointment
-hbc&visa bill
-study for last exam
-finish manitoba muslim reports, finalize the template
-send out invitations
-finish speech, practise it
-
-
-

im sure theres wayyy more but i cant think of it just yet

-taibah out

skimmer shake

theres a glitch in my system.
i dont know how to repair it, and im just tired. so tired.

i was the only one.....

:(

-taibah out

March 24th, 2009

today i had a dentist appointment.
it sucked.
my bottom teeth hurt.
i hate trashy kids running around in the waiting area at the dentist office. honestly, wouldnt you wonder WHY your kid walked into the office WITHOUT shoes on and wearing his gloves on his feet???? and guess what? you annoying 9 year old brat, you ARENT a princess so quite acting like a baby and learn to sit with manners.

im filing a compliant agaisnt a Winnipeg Transit bus driver. today i rode the bus and that bus driver was sooo freakingggg rude, i was too scared to look at her. people say i should give her the benefit of the doubt, but umm...excuse me??!?!?!?!?! she gets PAID to smile and say hi and answer my questions, thats her JOB. i PAY to ride the damn bus service, i expect to get SERVICE!!!!

i swallowed soo much blood today, its not even funny. i gagged on it too.

-taibah out

ps. theres a lake in the superstore parking lot.

gains and losses

2009
a year of change
indeed.

im scared for the future. scared of the days and weeks as they pass. not afraid of myself, but for others and what they'll do to each other to shape my world. i try to be selfish, but its not in my blood. being cold-hearted isnt easy.

im craving a can of some marinated mixed bean salad with cut onions and hot green chili peppers.
im a freak.

-taibah out

blue and white cellphones

Right now im still trying to re-budget myself in order to have a much healthier lifestyle. I find it important to have a healthy lifestyle, as this helps with dealing with our thoughts. I know a lot of people that dont eat properly or dont exercise even the slightest bit, going for a short walk helps sooo much. I wish people would realize that.

ME: just last night
he was mr.awesome
HER:
ya no kidding
welcome to the male sucky jerk world
ME:
hahaha

-taibah out

another trip to sick-land

i always hated visiting the doctors office, but now i REALLYYYYY hate going to see the doctor.

im not ready for surgery :(

-taibah

ive given you all i had

no hello's
just sad goodbyes

-taibah out

3 Subject

been awhile since i wrote a nice blog post....

life has indeed been spinning. and rather then sit around and cry and complain about it, you're suppose to tackle it and tell the world how strong you really are. struggle and submission. wow.

im starting a new job on monday. alhumdulliah. after such a long time, things are finally starting to change for me. i hope to sleep easy now. i used to think 2008 was a crazyyy year, but im stunned to see how 2009 has been playing out. subhanallah. you literally have to expect the unexpected.

ive learned to become selfish. but not with the intention to hurt others. but rather, not let them hurt me. its a dark world. savage. disgusting. and evil. people arent as innocent as they look. what happens in their minds will alway remain a mystery to me. not everybody thinks the same way i do, and thats something i need to keep reminding myself. people are generally born stupid. but its the incidents and experiances in thier lives that keep them categorized into that group called 'decent/normal'. very few exist in that category.

im looking forward to a day to smile to.

-taibah out

this time, things wont be ok

did i ever think in my life? ever?
did i ever use my head?
most likely no.

for once in my life, i have absolutely no one to turn to.
i look around my room and his words from the weekend came back , "we live in a materialistic world and happiness is considered money and items"
what good are these things to me now?

i had worked all day to keep myself happy, and pretend i was satisfied.
but was i really?
what good are these things to me now?

im 20 years old. yet my mind is still playing in dreamland. everything was a "oh well" or "i got time". thinks always seemed to be turning out ok. but did i ever think, for just a moment, that things wont be ok.

it isnt gonna be ok this time.

-taibah out

the coffee was sour

feeling my bitterness?
it hurts me too.
im just burning on the inside.

you scare me so much.
that smile i used to love.
it makes me cold.

why?
i wish i asked you that
WHY?!

this is gonna eat at me forever.....talk to me. please.
i miss it.

-taibah out

angel undercover

i seem to get uspet with my thoughts more and more often.
trying to push it all out. to begin fresh. to move on.
cuz thats what we both wanted rite?
wrong.
i dont want to pull it. i tried.
the farther i take steps away, the worse it becomes.
i cant find words anymore.

"are you ok" they'd say
"il be ok" is what i say back to them.

im trying to close the chapters, but its just not working.
still playing with that question that i never asked you.
WHY?!

you scare me so much :(

-taibah out

when we pretend we're dead.

i cant handle this anymore. im barely alive anymore.
thanks to all of you.

i dont want to exist anymore.
im hurting too many people now.

-taibah out

ive been bruised too now.

and so, i didnt cry.
infront of you.
but what happens tonight, is another story.

i forgot to ask the most important question. WHY?
i need not go in further details about that...

when you walked away, i wasnt satisfied. cuz i didnt hear the answers i was looking for. but perhaps, maybe, those answers never existed in the first place.

ive let my mind to be taken over. and yes, mistakes.
and i think perhaps some of the things i say might have hurt you.

i feel as thought you haven't quite discovered yourself. that you're holding a wall infront of you. not that im saying you ARE a wall, or its like im talking to a wall. you just choose to hold up a wall infront of you. that wall of fear i think. fear of being taken badly in someone elses eyes.

i used to say this for myself. but now il say it for you too: risk the damn emotions.
not for my sake. YOUR sake.

i wont ever forget you, no matter which ways our paths are going.
remember that.

-taibah out

Like a game of chess

like a game of chess,
you were suppose to follow the rules.

like MY game of chess,
ive dared you to move.

like OUR game of chess,
you sit back, quiet, focused.

like YOUR game of chess,
you KNEW what you were doing.

like YOUR game of chess,
you KNEW what you were after and what you wanted.

like YOUR game of chess,
you feel no pity for your opponent.

like OUR game of chess,
you played with me.

like a game of chess,
only 1 person wins.

like THIS game of chess,
the winner will be me.

-taibah out.

almost there

Not knowing how to think

I scream aloud, begin to sink

My legs and arms are broken down

With envy for the solid ground

I'm reaching for the life within me

How can one man stop this ending

I thought of just your face

Relaxed, and floated into space

*sigh*

:(

-taibah out

let the sunshine in

Seeing a smile on your face was so distant to me. Almost unknown, as if I was meeting you for the first time.

Im still learning how to blink back tears.

My thoughts were such a blur when I sat down.

I just wasn’t ready to do it yet. I hadn’t lined it all up yet.

To say whatever I wanted to, to tell you what the past few nights and days have been like.

Had it never happened, I would’ve been living back in my fantasy world.

Im kinda glad confrontations like that happen. But it’s only productive if you’re actually confident and know what to say. Doesn’t work when one person is a walking nervous wreak. You honestly caught me off guard. I debated for minutes with the text message.

I saw you looking for shooting stars, sitting in that sleazy bar. Things aren’t ever just what they seem. I know that something inside us is dying.

As usual, you played well. Impossible to read. What did you see that was written across my face? Those weren’t awkward silences, they were painful ones. We’re speechless, stunned and scared. Perhaps angered, maybe at one point felt sadness? Quickly, that sadness was turned into anger, and hatred. But not at you, at myself. It was always hard to ever be upset with you. You were much too perfect to criticise. I thought so anyways.

Maybe none of this matters to you…

But it isn’t over yet. Today was just the start of it…my waiting is over. I had been holding for so long. I was waiting way too long. Just waiting alone. Waiting for much too long.

For THIS I was waiting much too long. The waiting is done.

-taibah out

tonight, i am emo

speechless.
you leave me speechless.
and with a migrane.

im not gonna run after you, cuz i never did in the first place. i kept my distance, out of fear something would become of it. thankfully, nothing did.

you used to bring a smile to my face, you used to know what to say at the right time. sharing laughs at the right places. seeing you on a thursday would keep me smiling till sunday.

and i held on to those words.
your words.
they cleared my mind.
you wouldnt give it a second thought, but they kept me going for weeks at a time. playing over and over, again and again inside my head. i considered you more than just a friend. but sadly, you did not.

now its all in my head, and i think about it over and over again
you have no idea how much of an impact you were on me. and my life.
and im just really sad how much you've crushed me like this.

thanks for dying on me.
-taibah out

different nights

critical thinking, is what i like to call it. light comes during different nights. sometimes it takes a while to realize whats coming at you. something the obvious isnt easy to pick out. sometimes it takes more energy and strength to get through times of distress, anger, and frustration.

we always want to point the blame to someone else. at work, school, in the family, with your friends. its very hard to find the right people to trust sometimes. but one can go insane if you close yourself up too much.

Risk.

risk the damn emotions.

the ones that set you up, the ones that really push you to the edge of your limits. sometimes you might jump over that fine, thin line.

im just sick of it. so bloody sick of it.
sick and tired. angered and annoyed. tense and closed.
i too have stories.

-taibah out

stiff cuz i slept in my jeans

and now im thinking to myself,
dont know what i was doing there.
and now im saying to myself,
im glad i got out of there

yeahh riteeeeeeeeeeeee

:(

-taibah out

eyebrows

the first thing i notice when im talking to another girl is her eyebrows.
eyebrows are a pain to deal with.

for the past few months ive been getting my eyebrows waxed professionally. It hurts for abit, but its a 'beauty pain', which basically means i cant complain about it. It honestly saves time and effort if I were to do them on my own. Id rather pay $12 to sit in a spa and get them done within 10mins, than have to stand infront of a mirror and shape them up myself, which can take upto 30mins. You're suppose to get your eyebrows waxed once every 3 weeks. I normally dont ask them to be shaped, i just get them 'cleaned' up to look neat and tidy. I think arches would like kinda wierd of me anyways.

my last appointment at the spa (about a month ago), wasnt that great. I guess I kept distracting her, cuz i wouldnt shut up about talking about my niece with her. The end result, only one of my eyebrows looked decent. She pulled out the wrong hairs in the other one :( but alhumdulliah, the hair are growing back. but i still need to wait another week or so before i can do anything to it.

but im stuck in a terrible dilema.

today, i fixed up one of my eyebrows, the other one (that was tortured by the lady at the spa) still looks TERRIBLE. i gotta be patient and wait 1 more week until im fully satisfied.

the joys of being a girl! haha

-taibah out

im a bitter bitch

recent events in my life have brought me to feel like this.
i dont blame anyone, except the people around me.

sometimes you just need a break from everyone around you.

i hate sounding selfish, and hating on others and being really stubborn, but it happens to me sometimes. but i guess that happens to alot of other people too. its human nature to get frustrated over certain things sometimes. maybe i just panic really easily. or maybe i get excited too quickly.

i need some water...
-taibah out

investments indeed

and whatever happened to learning how to think on your own? i hate people that run after others.

i like my friends,
but i wouldnt glue myself to their lives.

sometimes i come home from work or school and just want to lie down on my bed and shut off my laptop and leave my phone on silent and under my pillow. i keep the door shut and block out all noise and distractions. then you just curl up into a ball on your bed and mumble to yourself 'damn today was such a crappy day' or 'i need sleep'..... its called 'ME TIME'.

i love getting ME TIME.

-taibah out

greenish gold eyeshadows

wow, happy 2009! and its my 1 year anniversary on my blog!!!!!
its truly amazing how i still have this blog alive and healthy lol
in all honesty and truth, its been a great friend. it never told me im right or wrong, it never told me to shut up or stop ranting so they could 'cut the call short' or 'gotta use the washroom' or 'my dad's calling me' or 'i gotta sleep early tonight cuz i got work tomorrow'....

whoever you are out there, that reads this blog, thank you.
i enjoy it when no one comments.
Silent Screams are indeed just that. Me and my silent screams. If you listen carefully you just MIGHT hear me. You'll feel it, reading the emotions through the words ive written on this blog. You'll sense it too. Words are so powerful SubhanAllah.

Keep reading....



-taibah out