spin spin spin!

im trying very hard to make sense of everything. and everyone.
there are way too many people in my life that i gotta keep up with and i hate falling behind.

work, school, family. work, school, family. work, school, family.

ahhh, life :)

-taibah out

yeh sazaaa hai - this is punishment.

ive been trying to struggle through, with everything i do for you. thats how you live your life. when they call you a struggle child...

can life not get any more stressful than it needs to be? or did we just walk into 'stress-clouds' on our own? maybe we just set this up for ourselves, blindly, not even realizing it.

sometimes it feels like im being held down by something. that i cant slip out of a knot that im stuck in. like my shoes are glued to the ground and im not going forwards nor backwards or in any other direction. perhaps its a good thing? i dont know...

i sat outside today. and realized what beauty there is in just watching an empty, leafless tree. that too is glued to the ground. its not moving forwards nor backwards. and its being held down by something too.

what if we gave the tree a chance to move around?
all i want is a chance. thats it. why crush my dreams like this?

a chance. please. thats it.

-taibah out

adulthood?

i dreaded this day my entire life.
today, i turned 20.

i dont feel any different, other than slightly weirded out. im 20.
it scares me. how quickly times flies. when i turned 10, i certainly didnt picture myself the way i am today.

i had so many dreams to accomplish. my career plans changed as i looked back at my younger teenage years. holy crap! im not a teenager anymore :(

duck (yes, i wanted to be a duck when i was 3), clown (age 4) , store manager (age 7), gym teacher (age 8), graphic designer (age 12), elementary school teacher (age 14), commercial pilot (age 16), and now accountant (age 17).

i think i had quite the imagination as a child and even throughout my early teens.

im 20. i cant believe it. where do i see myself in 10 years? *cringe* or even 5 years?
obviously id be married by then, might even be a mom too. ill be an aunty for sure, not sure how many nieces or nephews ill have, hopefully LOTS!

welcome to adulthood taibah, theres no turning back :(

-taibah out

im a pin cushion. literally.

today i could not wake up and get out of bed. and its not like i went to bed late last night either. hmmm. strange.
i had a doctors appointment today, got the 'ok' to officially head back to work this week. this week is gonna be crazy insane, i can tell. its in the air. im gonna have some intense transit rants soon. oh dear :(

it was good at the doctors today. i didnt even have to sit and wait to be called in, cuz everything was running on time today. lucky for me i guess. i also realized today, how i cant stand the sight of someone filling containers up with MY BLOOD! my feet hurt as i watched. and then i couldnt move my arm as he let me out.

i wanted subway for lunch today, but after grocery shopping and doing other errands, i was too tired to go.

ima go shred some cheese..

-taibah out

writers love

take me back down that pathway,
you know,
the one filled with smiles and laughter?
the one you and i spent so much time on?
yeah, that one.

feels weird being the prisoner tonight doesn't it?
i cant see outside the windows anymore
the sky, i miss it.
its emptiness, vast and free, no limits.
im helpless. tiny.

stay happy in the shadows and no harm will reach you.
be sure to untwist yourself if you remember how.
and always remain emotionless at all times.
its the last thing you'll ever want, help that is.
dont forget to smile, that fake one.

-taibah out
*writers notebook entry :)

cuz talk is cheap

im still sick. according to the latest trip to the doctors last night, im still pretty brutal. the new pills are strong, they knock me out good.

my parents are worried this time. i am too.

-taibah out

this morning

flashing blue and red lights filled my bedroom ceiling. i heard sirens too. i thought i was dreaming so i pushed myself to fall asleep again.

why do you call me at such strange hours? i miss you too :D
im unable to talk as it induces me cough like a maniac for minutes straight.

still sick :(
-taibah out

yellow sheets and heating pads.

i cant even count how many half-full glasses of orange juice i have placed all over my room.

thankfully, bronchitis is slowly ever so slowly coming to an end. its been a brutal week. i was quarantined at home, mostly in my bedroom. ive had insane rushes in my head everytime id try to stand up and often it felt like my diaphragm was ready to give up on me. ive been pretty lonely too :(


i head back to work on monday insha allah.

-taibah out

so.much.pain

gotta say, worst morning ever.

my friend called me at 5:30am, thankfully the phone was silent and i slept through the vibrate and ringer.

i got up to pray fajr, and the moment i sat up in bed, i knew it was gonna be rough today. pain. it hurt me so much. Im shivering in my bathrobe, yet i have a heater PLUS the entire house heat on. I make wudu and pray, and im just throwing off my bathrobe to slide back into bed when i hear the doorbell.

WHO ON EARTH?!

im in bed at this point and much too sore to move around anymore. i hear my uncle's voice, i guess he flew in last nite from toronto? i tell myself ill meet him later, cuz the pain inside me was growing worse and worse.

Im trying sooooo hard to fall asleep, but again, the pain. Finally i cant take it anymore and grab my phone and dial my own home phone number. My brother answeres, i tell him to bring me some meds, ANYTHING. He shows up with a glass of water and advil.

Advil didnt work. i guess cause i hadnt eaten before that.

Hours pass and im still awake. in fetal position. Begging for the pain to just stop :(
*cries*

Finally, i grab my phone again, and call my house lol. Mom answers, shes kinda ticked i havent eaten anything yet still took an advil. She walks into my room with a hot parathaa, fresh made julab gamin, and cut fruit.

She asks me to sit up, so i can eat.
I sit up.
Trouble begins.

I leaped rite out of bed and made it to the washroom within 4 steps.
The metal from the sink faucet feels nice and cold on my forehead.

im REALLY sick.
pray for me :(

-taibah out

im sick.

chills, flu/fever? intense body temperature changes.

ive been cold for 3 days straight. anytime i put anything in my mouth, it stings my throat.
the only thing i crave is orange juice. my dad got me 5 different kinds today. along with a HUGE amount of chocolate!

while watching Muqaam, on PTV Global, my dad walks into the room and sets down a glass of orange juice, in a wine glass. he's garnished it with lime and adds a straw. its for me. i felt so amazingly special at that moment.

the juice is too cold for me to drink me, so it takes me about half an hour to drain my wineglass.

rite now, im FROZEN to the bone. anyone wanna give taibah a warm bearhug, cause thats the next thing on my list of cravings.

-taibah out.

you're hot then you're cold.

you're wrong when its right.

anyways, not much happening in the world of Taibah today. Other than im so poor today i cant afford lunch :(
i COULD use my bus fare money to buy something but....how would i get home?

OF ALL DAYS TO FORGET MY WALLET :(

i should perhaps sift through my entire bag, i might find some money....ugh, im so pathetic :(

last year, when i was campus, i would easily mooch money off my sisters. None of them are here anymore now. Sometimes, it felt like i had to pay for everything, maybe it was the other way around? In anycase, i miss studying and simply texting one of them "can you bring me a donut and some juice? im in the law library".

i miss seeing them on campus. its kinda like an emptiness inside me rite now, of all days eh? the day i feel most helpless.

-taibah out

oh zaraa zaraa nache dekhaaaaaaaa *jump*

LOL
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAAA!

i CANNOT stop laughing of how much of a RETARD you really are.

ya thats rite, your LOGIC was full of CRAP!

-taibah out :D

in the shadows i despise

i sleep each night with a headache. and with fear it'll turn into a migrane. someone told me to be careful or else ill wake up with a bad case of something called the "dizzies".

im so glad last week is over. it was eventful, tiring, and memorable all at once.
im eating these wickid '2-bite brownies' rite now. Chewy goodness indeed.

i feel like im waiting for something, that i have to go somewhere. its making me impatient. and its really frustrating trying to tell myself, thats there isnt anything or anyplace i need to go. Then why wont my mind accept this?

perhaps im just tired.
nothing is making sense lately.
ive got no one and nothing to blame.

is this life? is this the way it should be?
it goes on.
dont wait for me this time.

-taibah out

let it rock, let it rock, let it ROCK!

i hear the doorbell, soon the relatives will all be inside my house.
im on my bedroom floor.
im still in my pj's, my clothes are ironed and are neatly sitting on my bed.

brace yourself....

-taibah out

Eid Mubarak!

dreams, arent what they used to be.
-taibah out

pretty dance the night away love....

my FACE hurts so much from crying. and thats prob. something Advil cant fix.

im falling. and its starting to pain me so much.

i just want someone to believe me....anyone? please?

-taibah out