sleepless nights again? i wonder why....

the msn was off, facebook was on 'log out' and i dragged my books and laptop to the dining table. the red roses from my birthday sit peacefully in a vase on the dining table. next to that sits a candle stand holding 3 blue candles. they smell like soap. the right pocket of my sweater holds my cellphone and its on Silent. i keep glancing back at it to check if he would finally respond back to my text. Ive learned he rarely responds.

hours passed as im busily typing, reading and thinking. my green highliter isnt as juicy as it once was, this bothers me. I decided to take a quick break, i walk into the kitchen and pull open the fridge. i glance around, and finally pull out this new juice the rest of my family is hooked on. FiveAlive Pomegranate Citrus. I pour a nice tall glass of the maroon-ish colored drink and grab some crackers and cheese.

While sipping my juice and munching away at my crackers, i began planning my outfit for tomorrow. what socks? what shoes? i still need to find my white belt. What do i layer the red shirt with? which hijab?

soon my fingers are back to my laptop keyboard. ive jumped into google and then type 'hijabi' into the search engine. For the next 2 hours ive abandoned my books and research topic. As im surfing through different websites, ive somehow gotten into several blogs of "former muslims".

the de-conversion stories are mind blowing, shocking, offensive and rather disturbing, in the sense as to how people like the ones ive read about actually exist and take pride in becoming atheists.

I began reading the de-conversion story of one girl. Hers i found to be the most puzzling. I couldnt find a base, and i couldnt figure out where the major "turn-off" was that she had run into that had made her decide to leave Islam. It was chilling and quite sad.

He texts me "get some sleep. atheists were always *ucked in the head. you know it"
i dont respond.

-taibah out