worst.day.ever.this.day.sucks.hardcore.

pride.

could that be the word to describe it? i dont even know myself. im having a rough day, and NO it isnt work related. I wasnt in the office today. perhaps the day couldve been better had i been in the office today. sometimes the joy of seeing my desk and my name on my door in the office makes me feel better. or maybe cause i have a wicked pencil sharpener and no one else does...

its little things like that that help me from going insane. actually, my tafseer books do that. flip to a random page and its like taking an Advil on a migraine-monday. instant and almost the best cure to any feeling or emotion of sadness and anger.

today, i cant bring myself to open my tafseer books.

i brokedown today.

its not a personal issue. it has nothing to do with my family as they rarely make me upset and if they do im able to just swallow it easily and realize its just another part of being in a family. the issue has nothing to do with work either. Cause if i did have an issue at work, i would NEVER hesitant to talk about it with someone in upper management. Im not one to let people walk over me, i get stunned and hurt easily tho.

Someone once said to me something along the lines of "finding the base of the mountain" and it relates to going to the root of the problem or issue in trying to maintain a healthy and happy relationship with whoever is involved, before the issue turns into something bigger and maybe worse, depending on the entire situation overall.

so then, what type of issue is it?

its rather like a mixed garden salad. With tomatoes, lettuce, spinach leaves, lemon rings, and cucumber. Each is item is so diverse and different than the next, with distinct tastes and textures. Likewise, alot of the problems i face in life are similar to just that. Each is so distinct and each with a current bitter taste.

Its impossible to not be mad at someone when they make you upset.

I simply cannot wrap my head around the fact thats its better to be the first one to say sorry in a conflict. Im not saying be stubborn and wait for the other person to say sorry. If YOU know its your fault, then simply apologize. If the other person is at fault, then i dont know what to do....take a few steps back?

i realize i deal with conflicts kinda weirdly. I distance myself from alot of people whom will cause me to hyper-ventilate as im having a breakdown session alone in my room. I hate being told to just suck up the problem and take the blame. WHY THE HELL ME?!

someone told me "theres always atleast 2 people to blame in your conflicts, yourself and whoever else the conflict is with"...i think thats a pile of BS. First off, if theres 2 to blame, then you can each take up your mistakes and start clean. however, if only ONE person is to blame, then wait for them to apologize.

ima go wash my face.
i need some drugs.
advil, here i come!

-taibah out


ps. i miss my wife, Nada, shes in egypt for the next 2 months.